What to do, what to do?

While pregnant, I read the obligatory baby's first year books and decided that I should breastfeed lil' Monkey until his first birthday because it's the American Association of Pediatrics recommendation. However, once he came and I tried to breastfeed him the hospital, it turned out to be much harder than I expected. I found it humiliating that I couldn't do it and felt pressured to get SOMETHING in him since his jaundice levels were so high. We opted for bottles by day two with the expectation that once his jaundice levels went down, I'd try breastfeeding again.

When his jaundice levels were acceptable, the hospital let us take him home (day four) and I tried again. It still proved very hard but DH pushed me to continue. I resented him at the time for it. He bargained with me to give it 6 weeks. If it still wasn't working and I still hated it, then we'd go to bottles. I thought, "6 weeks! That's a long time!"

By the end of the 6 weeks, lil' Monkey and I were doing better in the breastfeeding department. I wouldn't say outstanding but enough that I decided perhaps going a year wouldn't be so bad. We're still breastfeeding today, a day before he turns 9 months old! So I'm really proud of both of us for hanging in there and working on this.

However, a year, my original commitment and goal, is just around the corner. I'm debating on whether or not I should stop. There are benefits to both sides of the argument.

On the one hand, I think, "Boy! It would be really nice to have my breasts back! To wear a real bra! To have somewhat uniform breasts again!" (One is extremely larger than the other because Monkey doesn't like drinking from the other one. So I've pretty much let it go dormant after many struggles and a mastitis infection because using the pump didn't drain it like he could -- if he would!)

On the other hand, I know that not having to make bottles while at home with him has been a real time saver. Not to mention my hands would probably be even more dry and cracked if I had to wash bottles all of the time. We're also not so great at it in public. (Lying down is best -- but he will feed with me sitting up if the place is quiet enough. Good luck with that in the mall! Even the bathrooms have loud music pumped into them!) So the "He has food anywhere you are" argument doesn't really work. But the time saving, less coarse hands and health benefits for him might outweigh the need to regain breast freedom.

Then there's the bonding. I really didn't truly understand this one until around Christmastime last year. We were visiting my MIL in NC and Monkey was having a hard time sleeping. DH leans more to the Ferber side of things and I'm somewhere right of Sears, so we were arguing about what to do. I had JUST read in a book I was reading that breastfeeding is more than nutrition. It's a way of soothing a baby, bringing him/her to a familiar place where they are comforted. A mother recounted a time when her son had fallen and bumped his head. He was so upset that holding him didn't work, kissing didn't work, his favorite toy didn't work but BREASTFEEDING helped him calm down. I pointed this out to DH and ever since reading that mother's account, I've kept this notion in the back of my mind. Recently, I did just what she did when Monkey decided that he was going to try to climb the dryer while I was putting clothes in it. He bumped his head and was really upset. The breastfeeding calmed him down and he even made a little sigh afterwards like "oh that's the stuff!".

Still, whenever I see my regular bras in my dresser drawer, I long for breast freedom. I'm just not sure. I guess I'll do what I always do and just go with it until something clearly steers me away from it.