I feel like this year so far has been a blur of family sickness, sleepless nights, heavy workloads, strained muscles and extra long periods. This last one has been going for two weeks now. I'm calling the OB-GYN again tomorrow as this isn't the first time it's lasted this long.
I had a transvaginal sonogram about two months ago that showed nothing so my doctor just figured it was a combination of the fact that I'm not good about taking the pill at the same time everyday and that I don't exclusively breastfeed but supplement with formula. And even still, for some reason I still wasn't able to find a good way to take the pill at the same time everyday. She warned me when I first started this pill. She mentioned that since it's a low dose pill I might experience spotting if I didn't take it regularly and on-time. I should have known then just to give it up and forego sex until I was done breastfeeding and could take the regular dose pill or get Mirena or something.
As of Friday, I've decided not to take the pill anymore. What's the point? I'm too exhausted to have sex half of the time and since my period wasn't regular anyway, it was hard to PLAN sex (or track ovulation so we could NOT have sex since the effectiveness was questionable). The last time we did it I was so nervous afterwards that I COULD be pregnant again that I was miserable for a few days about it.
And that's the next point. I'm extremely nervous about getting pregnant again. I'm struggling so much with my duties with one child that I can't see having another child right now. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like having another child and if that makes me a bad mother, person, ecetera because if I really enjoyed and felt confident in my role as mother, wouldn't I surely want another? There are at least three other mothers I know whose children are just slightly older than my son who have already said they might be thinking about another soon. When they say that I shudder inside, knowing that I'd absolutely freak out if a pregnancy test came back positive right now.
This along with all of my other woes that concern me so much (and really shouldn't be so darn weighed down by, IMO) make me think, "Is this PPD?"
In a past post or perhaps comment, or maybe it was on another blog, I've mentioned that I used to see a therapist and that due to scheduling conflicts, length of travel to her office and other factors, I've stopped seeing her. I've been meaning to find another therapist but sometimes I think what's the point?
It will take an hour or more out of an already tight schedule. Should I schedule the appointment when I have my son or while he's at daycare? It would be a better session if he weren't there for me to chase after or pacify but that means I'd be taking an hour or more out of my working schedule. Then I'd have to make that up at night.
Plus, the COST. I'm not even sure how much it will cost per session since I haven't done this with my husband's insurance plan yet (my previous therapist was cutting me a break after I switched to his plan). I'm already spending money on chiropractor visits each week, now we're going to put therapy on top of that? Luckily, the chiro visits have dwindled to one visit a week now.
But the real issue here is my disbelief that it will do any good. "Always look on the bright side of life ..." a Monty Python tune, however, something I'm not known for by anyone who knows me or probably by now, anyone who reads this blog regularly. I get this honest. Another lovely inherited trait that I'm not sure I can ever rid myself of -- not to say I don't want to be the kind of person who is cheery more than melancholy. I'm just wondering if it's possible. Or if I'm one of those people who needs medication to achieve this goal. I hope not. I already have one pill I'll need to take for the rest of my life. Not really wanting to add brain candy to the list.
Ugh. Woe to me. Really could I be more pathetic?
