Guilt and the Modern Family

I want to start out by saying that I might have been too harsh about the author of the book Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child, Mr. Burton L. White. I recently read some other parts of the book and one piece really touched on what I've been feeling. The subject was guilt. What he wrote really hit home for me and though he didn't spend too much time on the subject, what he did write helped.


He states, "No matter how modern a young couple may be, they cannot completely avoid a sense of guilt if during the first year or two of their baby's life they deviate from the earlier pattern". The "earlier pattern" being what I've heard before called the Nuclear Family where the father works and the mother takes care of the kids. I don't think he's trying to put down the concept of the modern family but rather suggesting that cultural norms from decades ago are engraved into our subconscious. He goes on to say that the weight of this guilt is held primarily by the mother and is "counterproductive".


"Guilt that one isn't doing enough for one's baby, that one isn't spending enough time with him, that as a result he may love one less -- these feelings tend to show up when the time comes to set limits and be firm with the baby." He continues a few lines down, "It is particularly heartbreaking when both parents are away from the baby for eight and one-half to nine hours a day, five days a week, and want so badly to have an especially good time with that baby when they are together."

Though I only work part-time, I've been having extreme guilt about it. Before we found a satisfactory daycare situation, I REALLY felt guilty because:

A) I had to work while he napped. Scheduling conference calls was virtually impossible and client "crisis" situations were even worse should he not be napping at the appropriate times or when needed. I'd get really stressed out and I know he sensed it. Sometimes I'd actually break down and cry because it seemed like the WHOLE world needed me to do something ASAP. I know this wasn't good for him and I feel majorly guilty about that.

B) Because I was trying to squeeze work in whenever and where ever I could, I didn't sleep very much and what sleep I got was definitely disturbed by the amount of stress built up in my brain over things not done or needing to be done. This made for a cranky, not very playful mommy which I felt guilty about constantly.

The work situation has been alleviated for the most part since finding our daycare solution. I still have to work a few hours a couple nights a week but my bedtime is earlier and my sleep is better (well, until I somehow pulled a neck muscle). Yet, the guilt lingers.

I definitely feel this conflict within myself when I need to reprimand Monkey for trying to do something that might hurt him, or when I need to be firm while changing his diaper, or when I'm trying to get a few extra bites of food in his mouth because the doctor said he lost weight at our last visit but he still refuses to eat!

Although there is no solution offered for the guilt, his statement that it is "counterproductive" makes sense. My guilt is getting in the way of my job which is to raise a healthy, happy little boy in a safe environment. If that means saying "No, that's an 'ouch'," in a stern voice, then that's what I need to do. Period.

Easier said than done but I think from now on when I feel bad about discipline, I'll remember that one word, counterproductive. That and keep researching for more solutions!