Lil' Monkey has been a complete monster lately when it comes to changing his diaper (unless he's just awakened and I love those diaper changes). He wiggles to the left, put his legs over his head, wiggles to the right, and grabs his penis or the wipee out of my hand. While trying to get him to stay on his back, he gets really angry and either screams or cries.
I've tried singing to him. Old McDonald worked for a while, then I had to switch it up to BINGO, then to Row, Row, Row Your Boat. I've even tried what words I remember from the Dirty Jobs theme music.
I've tried looking him straight in the eye and talking or making funny faces.
I've tried giving him items to distract himself with like the wipes, the container the wipes are in, his sock or a diaper.
I've tried changing him STANDING UP (which isn't easier as I've read before).
I've tried all four of these AT ONCE. Still a wiggly, upset little boy with a seriously crooked, leak-prone diaper.
I've been getting really angry as well over this little routine. It's come to the point where I DREAD changing his diaper. DREAD IT. HATE IT. LOATH IT. (Except those early morning changes -- still loving those.)
Last night, he was difficult to get to bed because he had a shot yesterday afternoon and therefore, didn't nap until late and not very well. Mid-bedtime routine, I realized that the diaper I put on him less than an hour prior was already semi-full of pee. Ugh. Can't send him to bed with that.
Let's just say that changing his diaper at that point last night made my blood boil. I raised my voice more than I would like to admit. After he finally went to sleep, I left his room and went to our bedroom full of guilt and shame. I started to cry and DH wanted to know why. I explained and said, "I NEED a solution. This just isn't good."
Now there was a lot more on my mind as well but this set me off on a pity party that lasted about a half hour. I cried and explained to DH that I'm disappointed in myself because I haven't caught up on work (so close, but as I posted earlier this week, no cigar), the house needs an extensive reorg due to the amount of stuff we've accumulated since Monkey's birth and to top it off, I'm a horrible mother because I can't even diaper my child without it being a major battle that infuses me with anger. Being sick and drained from the sickness probably didn't help either.
As I calmed down, I came to my senses and said to myself, "I can't be the only one." So off to the Interweb!
I found tons of results with the same suggestions I've already tried. The only one I found that we don't DO anymore was letting the child roam the house without a diaper (with a little side note to follow said child in case any "mistakes" happen).
We call this Free Willy time. He used to get Free Willy time just before his bath when DH would strip him down and let him stand in his crib while DH ran his bath. Monkey LOVES this and we used to love it, too, because he'd just stand there with his hands on the crib railing laughing his little head off. Last week, DH came back into the room to find Monkey peeing through the bars of his crib onto the carpet prior to his bath on two different occasions. Thus, Free Willy time ended.
Now, mind you, Free Willy time was still happening when this whole diaper changing fiasco began about 3 weeks ago. So having Free Willy time obviously was not the answer to my diaper changing woes.
I went to bed still feeling hopeless. Then I decided to browse through a book I bought called Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child by Burton L. White. I must say his writing style is a little dry and he focuses on milestones as if most mothers out there have no idea what they are. And honestly, until I read something about his wife and how she handled one of their children, I would have thought this man was childless just because of the way he referenced the children in his studies. But that's beside the point. I skipped to a chapter where he talked about diapering and how this simple everyday act could shape a child's behavior and personality.
Mr. White starts by saying to have all of your accoutrements ready. Okay, DUH. Then he says to tell your child, "Mommy is going to diaper you," then don't say another word. Give them a special toy that they only get to hold while getting diapered and proceed. If it's going well, you can talk or sing or whatever with the child. If it's not going well, NO talking. Specifically, "... use your superior strength to get the job done, silently." His theory is "... your concern (the reason you try to explain and console) only reinforces the resistance rather than minimizing it."
Normally, I would think this was a little harsh. But given what I was experiencing, I decided to try it today. SO FAR, it has worked. The only part of it that is a little hairy still is when I have to take the "diapering" toy away (he's definitely reached that particular milestone, where were you on that one, Mr. White?). I've resorted to quickly picking him up and singing or making funny faces again after prying the toy from his hands. Probably undoing all of Mr. White's advice about consoling and reinforcing behavior.
He also states, "In actuality, once understood, diapering becomes an easy and remarkably effective opportunity for you to teach the baby that you are really in charge and that while she is dearly loved and will most of the time get what she wants, and quickly, sometimes that won't happen."
I'm hoping his theory is correct. I'm not sure it's a life lesson quite yet but I'll settle for less stressful diaper changes.
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10 comments:
Hey, whatever works.
I definitely come at this parenting thing differently from the author of that book, though. I try to avoid the power struggles for control. I just don't see the point. I really prefer the parenting techniques in Playful Parenting, but to each their own.
If it makes you feel any better, I've seen every child in my family and my friends go through the stage(s) of hating diaper changes. One thing that worked alright for us was asking her "What does a duck say?" When she had to stop and think about the answer (if we asked her before the fussing got too far), she would be concentrating on thinking of the answer and answering. But it didn't always work.
Good luck!
That's great you found a solution that's movin' in the right direction of less stressful diaper change. We use the singing method or just giving her anything to hold (including another diaper) and it usually works. Soon I should just make her change her own! Haha. One question - why do you have to take the toy away from him? Have you considered having some back-up toys ready for the next time incase he decides he would like more time with the one he has? Since we change our little girl on her dresser, I love having drawers with all sorts of stuff to keep her occupied, works out pretty well and I never run out of something to hand her.
caramama: yes, it doesn't always have to be a "power struggle" - but whether she knows it or not, you've gained power by distracting her so you could get the job done.
we try to playfully get things done, but if for whatever reason, ours isn't having any of it, we have to set limits. distraction is key, but when that doesn't work, being quiet and just doing whatever it is at the moment and then being playful works for us. i do believe that consoling during "the fight" tends to validate the resistance.
the way i see it, little struggles now means the major ones in the future won't be as bad. everything we do as parents has a cumulative effect, so we try to envision how a technique we use now will affect her in the long run.
Caramama -- I wish singing or talking to him worked. He just ignores me and keeps doing what he wants. Perhaps when we get to the stage where he'll answer questions about animal sounds or colors, we'll try that to see if it stops him in his tracks for a little while.
Dana -- the author suggested the toy only be available during diaper changing so it's special and will keep his interest longer. Substituting the 'diapering' toy after the changing is done might be a good option though. Perhaps we'll try that next time.
Has this guy ever given a baby a toy and then a couple minutes later taken it from them? That's almost cruel and unusual punishment for parent and child. Haha. Asking for the toy to be handed back and them voluntarily giving it back is one thing...but taking it is another. Weird.
Dana -- I agree. I was thinking to myself when I read it how if he's such an expert and spent all of this time in the previous chapter covering milestones, why not address the one about crying when taking a toy away after describing his diapering strategy?
I'm not sure I'm going like his book all that much. However, I tend to agree as goofydaddy said "the fight tends to validate the resistence". So perhaps there is some merit to this guy's book but I'm probably not going to always follow his advice to the letter.
I'm sorry, I just realized that I didn't thank any of you for your suggestions. THANK YOU!
Another good book to consider is "The Baby Whisper" and basically it saids the same thing that Mr. White saids. Babies like routine. They have no idea what you are doing when you're diapering, explain what you are doing. It's weird but babies understand more than we think. Talking you baby through it really helps. I use this a lot when I comb Keira's hair. She hates to get her hair combed.
Constance -- I might check out the Baby Whisperer book. Another friend recommended it as well so if two people recommend it who don't know each other then it must be pretty good.
When did Lil Monkey start with diaper changing revolt? I've heard this is a very common stage too and I'm waiting for dd to start. Right now she's a happy little clam during diaper changes, although she has started trying to put her hands down there, which is fun when there's poo. She's not quite 6 months though, so I'm waiting for the tide to turn.
I do have a friend who's little boy has always hated diaper changes, screams the majority of the time and she thinks he a sensitivity intergration issue. They tried everything and finally they started doing something similar to what you're doing now. They explain to him what they're going to do and get to business. Even if he's still a little resistant, it goes by faster if they're not trying to reason with him or console him. Give him a big hug after and lots of praise that way there's a little reward after each change.
Like I said, I'm not there yet, so...good luck!
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