I want to start out by saying that I might have been too harsh about the author of the book Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child, Mr. Burton L. White. I recently read some other parts of the book and one piece really touched on what I've been feeling. The subject was guilt. What he wrote really hit home for me and though he didn't spend too much time on the subject, what he did write helped.
He states, "No matter how modern a young couple may be, they cannot completely avoid a sense of guilt if during the first year or two of their baby's life they deviate from the earlier pattern". The "earlier pattern" being what I've heard before called the Nuclear Family where the father works and the mother takes care of the kids. I don't think he's trying to put down the concept of the modern family but rather suggesting that cultural norms from decades ago are engraved into our subconscious. He goes on to say that the weight of this guilt is held primarily by the mother and is "counterproductive".
"Guilt that one isn't doing enough for one's baby, that one isn't spending enough time with him, that as a result he may love one less -- these feelings tend to show up when the time comes to set limits and be firm with the baby." He continues a few lines down, "It is particularly heartbreaking when both parents are away from the baby for eight and one-half to nine hours a day, five days a week, and want so badly to have an especially good time with that baby when they are together."
Though I only work part-time, I've been having extreme guilt about it. Before we found a satisfactory daycare situation, I REALLY felt guilty because:
A) I had to work while he napped. Scheduling conference calls was virtually impossible and client "crisis" situations were even worse should he not be napping at the appropriate times or when needed. I'd get really stressed out and I know he sensed it. Sometimes I'd actually break down and cry because it seemed like the WHOLE world needed me to do something ASAP. I know this wasn't good for him and I feel majorly guilty about that.
B) Because I was trying to squeeze work in whenever and where ever I could, I didn't sleep very much and what sleep I got was definitely disturbed by the amount of stress built up in my brain over things not done or needing to be done. This made for a cranky, not very playful mommy which I felt guilty about constantly.
The work situation has been alleviated for the most part since finding our daycare solution. I still have to work a few hours a couple nights a week but my bedtime is earlier and my sleep is better (well, until I somehow pulled a neck muscle). Yet, the guilt lingers.
I definitely feel this conflict within myself when I need to reprimand Monkey for trying to do something that might hurt him, or when I need to be firm while changing his diaper, or when I'm trying to get a few extra bites of food in his mouth because the doctor said he lost weight at our last visit but he still refuses to eat!
Although there is no solution offered for the guilt, his statement that it is "counterproductive" makes sense. My guilt is getting in the way of my job which is to raise a healthy, happy little boy in a safe environment. If that means saying "No, that's an 'ouch'," in a stern voice, then that's what I need to do. Period.
Easier said than done but I think from now on when I feel bad about discipline, I'll remember that one word, counterproductive. That and keep researching for more solutions!
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The quote suggests that the "earlier pattern" is the ideal situation to raise a family. I personally have a problem with that especially because my father is a workacholic. I feel that in his case it left my mom with nearly all the child raising responsibilities. Although, when we were a little older my mother worked part-time and we went to daycare/school. My dad was a loving father, but he just didn't and still doesn't know when to leave work. Learning from this I feel like Goofydaddy and I deviated from the "earlier pattern" to eliminate the guilt. With him at home with our girl working part-time and soon next week he'll still be working part-time while our girl goes to daycare/preschool 3 days a week, her father figure is completely in the picture. While I work full-time, it's important for me to be there in both the mornings and the evenings for dinner (making sure Goofydaddy rarely has those long days that aren't good for anyone). I know staying home with the kids isn't cut out for all fathers, but that's why I love my husband so much! (And need I say that he's pretty much the opposite of my dad.) It's a perfect siuation for all of us with no room for guilt.
It's great that your situation works for you and that you and Goofydaddy are comfortable with your roles, routines, etc.
I don't think Mr. White is suggesting that the earlier pattern is ideal which is why I wrote about him not putting down the concept of the modern family (I gathered this from other passages I read in the book). I think what he is trying to get across is that the "Father works, Mother stays home" model is so engrained into our culture's subconscious that the guilt just manifests itself for some individuals. I still hear people referring to "June Cleaver" as a way of mothering when talking about families and that show is how old? TV and the media we watched growing up was slightly different but the remnants of the June Cleaver era were still there. Shows like Mary Tyler Moore, Maude and One day at a time were "revolutionary" when we were kids (or when I was a kid anyway). So I can understand how Mr. White would make such a statement and for my case, it applied.
yeah and it goes further back than TV of course. me caveman, me hunt and kill meat. you woman, you stay with baby. ug ug.
sorry, i've got nothing constructive to add. it's friday, i still have loads of work to do, and i've had too much sugar i think :-)
DH brought up a good point about this today as I was discussing the subject with him. He pointed out that all of the advertising for baby products usually show a MOTHER taking care of the child and rarely a father. So I women can blame their parental guilt and their obsession with weight on the advertisers!
*Sigh*, guilt, my old friend. I seem to have a love affair with it. I work part-time as well, very part-time. I go into an office one morning a week, which leaves dd at a sitter for a few hours. The rest of the week she is with me. There's usually one half day that I work at home. And yet, I still feel guilty! I spend lots of time with dd and try to do constructive things with her, as much as you can with a 6 month old. So why do I feel guilty? Are women more proned to feeling guilty than men? I tend to think so. We usually play the martyr as well.
I digress. I can relate to the guilt is really all I wanted to say here. I worry that I'm not playing enough with her or I'm overstimulating her or she missed her nap b/c we were running errands or one of many other silly little things.
Hopefully dd will not be in therapy one day talking about how mommy didn't play peek-a-boo enough with her when she was a baby.
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