When I came home today, I was SO happy to see lil' Monkey. Even though I was only gone for two and half days, I really missed him. However, while I was away, I partied like a non-Mommy (the wedding was open bar so you do the math). It was fun to dance and whoop it up with my cousins because let's face it, that's probably the closest I'll come to my clubbing days ever again. Of course, I was the only one partying that needed to stop periodically to pump and dump (special thanks to the wedding planner who let me use the office at the reception hall). So when we arrived home and it was my time to take over the baby responsibilites, I felt very out of place at first. Could I remember how to DO THIS? Did Monkey still love his mama? He was definitely a little apprehensive at first, perhaps because I was too. We'd smile at each other but something was definitely OFF. It took a little while I think for both of us to get back into our groove.
Still there were days even before I left this past weekend that I just didn't feel like a mommy. Almost as if I were pretending. I felt this way at my first "dress up" job as well -- as though I were wearing my mother's suit and heels and playing office. Somedays I either couldn't believe the amount of responsibility or begrudingly accept whatever I had to do. I didn't want to pump before going to bed, I'd think, "I WANT TO SURF FOR SHOES!" I didn't want to get up at 6 am when Monkey got up (of course, I did). I'd feel like the world was going to end or social services would come because I forgot his gloves and a good mommy, one that wasn't pretending to be a mommy, wouldn't have forgotten!
But as it turns out, I'm not the only one. Thank God.
Gray Matter Matters has an excellent post on her site about how sometimes she feels like a "Poodle in a tutu". This was her analogy to how she doesn't always FEEL like a mommy.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one and that post came just at the right time.
SIDENOTE: Seems like I always get an appropriate song in my head after posts like this ...
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
Monday, January 21, 2008
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3 comments:
Wow, I don't need to say much, except that I'm so relieved to know that I'm not the only one that sometimes feels this way. The guilt it causes me is terrible. I feel like everyone knows I'm a big phoney or that if they knew how I felt that they'd think I must not love my DD as much as I should--which is not the case.
The responsibility can be overwhelming at times. Am I reading to her enough? Playing with her enough? Am I relying on Barney too much when I need to shower, etc. Am I damaging her if I let her cry a little? Should I call the doctor about the little tiny bumps on her skin that don't seem to bother her at all? Am I awful b/c sometimes I just want to be able to run into Starbuck's and not have to lug the giant carseat?
*Sigh*
I realized recently that I will never again, at least not until my DD is grown and out on her own, be able to go out with friends or go on a vacation and be completely carefree. I don't just live for myself now, I have to answer to this little person who completely relies on me.
I sound like I'm complaining, I know, and I didn't plan on saying much but it spilled out I guess. My DH has traveled for work at least one night for the past 3 weeks in a row. Maybe that's weighing on me.
I feel that I should say that of course I love my DD more than anything in this world and I wouldn't change a thing. She is worth all inconvenience, lack of sleep, lack of memory, every interrupted meal and cancelled evening out. But, yes, I too sometimes feel like I'm a big fraud and I'll be found out.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
sigh... there are days when i too feel like a pretend mommy... oh wait. i AM a pretend mommy! :-P
i feel your pain tho. ;-)
Fake it 'till you make it, I like to say.
I truly believe that this is normal and more common that we are lead to believe. I'm okay with a lot of things that I do/don't do these days only because of my therapist (who is helping me through some PPD).
Thanks for putting this out there and talking about it.
-kz - You are not a pretend mommy. You are the daddy, and a good one.
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