I feel like this year so far has been a blur of family sickness, sleepless nights, heavy workloads, strained muscles and extra long periods. This last one has been going for two weeks now. I'm calling the OB-GYN again tomorrow as this isn't the first time it's lasted this long.
I had a transvaginal sonogram about two months ago that showed nothing so my doctor just figured it was a combination of the fact that I'm not good about taking the pill at the same time everyday and that I don't exclusively breastfeed but supplement with formula. And even still, for some reason I still wasn't able to find a good way to take the pill at the same time everyday. She warned me when I first started this pill. She mentioned that since it's a low dose pill I might experience spotting if I didn't take it regularly and on-time. I should have known then just to give it up and forego sex until I was done breastfeeding and could take the regular dose pill or get Mirena or something.
As of Friday, I've decided not to take the pill anymore. What's the point? I'm too exhausted to have sex half of the time and since my period wasn't regular anyway, it was hard to PLAN sex (or track ovulation so we could NOT have sex since the effectiveness was questionable). The last time we did it I was so nervous afterwards that I COULD be pregnant again that I was miserable for a few days about it.
And that's the next point. I'm extremely nervous about getting pregnant again. I'm struggling so much with my duties with one child that I can't see having another child right now. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like having another child and if that makes me a bad mother, person, ecetera because if I really enjoyed and felt confident in my role as mother, wouldn't I surely want another? There are at least three other mothers I know whose children are just slightly older than my son who have already said they might be thinking about another soon. When they say that I shudder inside, knowing that I'd absolutely freak out if a pregnancy test came back positive right now.
This along with all of my other woes that concern me so much (and really shouldn't be so darn weighed down by, IMO) make me think, "Is this PPD?"
In a past post or perhaps comment, or maybe it was on another blog, I've mentioned that I used to see a therapist and that due to scheduling conflicts, length of travel to her office and other factors, I've stopped seeing her. I've been meaning to find another therapist but sometimes I think what's the point?
It will take an hour or more out of an already tight schedule. Should I schedule the appointment when I have my son or while he's at daycare? It would be a better session if he weren't there for me to chase after or pacify but that means I'd be taking an hour or more out of my working schedule. Then I'd have to make that up at night.
Plus, the COST. I'm not even sure how much it will cost per session since I haven't done this with my husband's insurance plan yet (my previous therapist was cutting me a break after I switched to his plan). I'm already spending money on chiropractor visits each week, now we're going to put therapy on top of that? Luckily, the chiro visits have dwindled to one visit a week now.
But the real issue here is my disbelief that it will do any good. "Always look on the bright side of life ..." a Monty Python tune, however, something I'm not known for by anyone who knows me or probably by now, anyone who reads this blog regularly. I get this honest. Another lovely inherited trait that I'm not sure I can ever rid myself of -- not to say I don't want to be the kind of person who is cheery more than melancholy. I'm just wondering if it's possible. Or if I'm one of those people who needs medication to achieve this goal. I hope not. I already have one pill I'll need to take for the rest of my life. Not really wanting to add brain candy to the list.
Ugh. Woe to me. Really could I be more pathetic?
5 comments:
It might be, but then I wouldn't think so. Sounds like you just have funks and that's normal for you...and then the added stress of the little one.
For me what works is a day of hookey.
I send him to grandma's or daycare and then don't go to work. I just go home and sleep. Or get my haircut. and/or any of a thousand things for me that won't get done when I'm busy taking care of everyone else.
You aren't all that pathetic. You are like most moms I know (myself included), trying to juggle so many things while incredibly tired from that whole first year with baby.
You know I've been trying to be vocal about my seeing a therapist for the PPD I was suffering from. I can honestly say it was the best parenting decision I've made. Ever. By seeing someone who specializes in PPD, she could help me focus on dealing with the juggling of baby, work, husband, self, friends, family, etc. etc. etc. I really really recommend finding a therapist who specializes in this area of life you are currently in. Also, I recommend going at a time the little one is in daycare or hubby can watch. For me, that one hour a week (and $$ a week) made every other hour much easier.
Sorry about your periods. I know they can be weird after baby and while breastfeeding. Don't forget that there are other types of birth control.
BTW, I will now have Always Look on the Bright Side of Life stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks.
Loved that video. I think you feel like a whole lot of moms. I couldn't imagine having another child until my first was 2 and got into my diaphragm and bit it up. Even then, I couldn't figure out how I was going to handle it. Lucky for me she was 7 before I had to. By the time she was 10 she had 4 siblings. I found out you just deal and survive if they come before you expect them to. It's really hard, but somehow you just learn to live on. I guess what I'm saying is no matter what happens, you'll be ok. I don't think we all need to be Pollyanna either, just not miserable :)
What, a two week period isn't normal? I'm not on the pill and I have about a 9 day period most of the time. Maybe I'm just lucky (j/k). Going to a therapist seems like such a great idea. I feel like this time of our life is so stressful. It really is hard to handle all of the changes going on. Caramama put it in a good perspective...the one hour makes the rest a lot easier. I like that. Hmmmmmm.
And here I come, late to the party as usual. I try to read a bunch of posts at once. You understand, baby=littlefreetime. I just wanted to agree with the other mommies that posted. You're feelings are totally normal. I too have questioned whether or not I'm struggling with PPD but then I realize that it's just a bad day or sometimes a bad week. I'm not sure when it's PPD as opposed to something else, but I guess if it's a persistent, pervasive feeling it's imperative to talk to a doctor.
I live in fear of getting pregnant right now too. It's all relative. Every woman is different and you can not judge yourself based on other people. That's a trap that I too often fall into. Do what's best for you and your family. You're a fabulous mother. You're intelligent, loving, devoted, funny and insightful. Your Lil Monkey is a lucky boy.
Btw, you've helped me so much through the pregnancy, childbirth, mothering journey. Thank you.
Post a Comment