Periods, Pregnancy (fear of) and PPD

Warning: female body issues content ahead and personal content which may be considered TMI

I feel like this year so far has been a blur of family sickness, sleepless nights, heavy workloads, strained muscles and extra long periods. This last one has been going for two weeks now. I'm calling the OB-GYN again tomorrow as this isn't the first time it's lasted this long.

I had a transvaginal sonogram about two months ago that showed nothing so my doctor just figured it was a combination of the fact that I'm not good about taking the pill at the same time everyday and that I don't exclusively breastfeed but supplement with formula. And even still, for some reason I still wasn't able to find a good way to take the pill at the same time everyday. She warned me when I first started this pill. She mentioned that since it's a low dose pill I might experience spotting if I didn't take it regularly and on-time. I should have known then just to give it up and forego sex until I was done breastfeeding and could take the regular dose pill or get Mirena or something.

As of Friday, I've decided not to take the pill anymore. What's the point? I'm too exhausted to have sex half of the time and since my period wasn't regular anyway, it was hard to PLAN sex (or track ovulation so we could NOT have sex since the effectiveness was questionable). The last time we did it I was so nervous afterwards that I COULD be pregnant again that I was miserable for a few days about it.

And that's the next point. I'm extremely nervous about getting pregnant again. I'm struggling so much with my duties with one child that I can't see having another child right now. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like having another child and if that makes me a bad mother, person, ecetera because if I really enjoyed and felt confident in my role as mother, wouldn't I surely want another? There are at least three other mothers I know whose children are just slightly older than my son who have already said they might be thinking about another soon. When they say that I shudder inside, knowing that I'd absolutely freak out if a pregnancy test came back positive right now.

This along with all of my other woes that concern me so much (and really shouldn't be so darn weighed down by, IMO) make me think, "Is this PPD?"

In a past post or perhaps comment, or maybe it was on another blog, I've mentioned that I used to see a therapist and that due to scheduling conflicts, length of travel to her office and other factors, I've stopped seeing her. I've been meaning to find another therapist but sometimes I think what's the point?

It will take an hour or more out of an already tight schedule. Should I schedule the appointment when I have my son or while he's at daycare? It would be a better session if he weren't there for me to chase after or pacify but that means I'd be taking an hour or more out of my working schedule. Then I'd have to make that up at night.

Plus, the COST. I'm not even sure how much it will cost per session since I haven't done this with my husband's insurance plan yet (my previous therapist was cutting me a break after I switched to his plan). I'm already spending money on chiropractor visits each week, now we're going to put therapy on top of that? Luckily, the chiro visits have dwindled to one visit a week now.

But the real issue here is my disbelief that it will do any good. "Always look on the bright side of life ..." a Monty Python tune, however, something I'm not known for by anyone who knows me or probably by now, anyone who reads this blog regularly. I get this honest. Another lovely inherited trait that I'm not sure I can ever rid myself of -- not to say I don't want to be the kind of person who is cheery more than melancholy. I'm just wondering if it's possible. Or if I'm one of those people who needs medication to achieve this goal. I hope not. I already have one pill I'll need to take for the rest of my life. Not really wanting to add brain candy to the list.

Ugh. Woe to me. Really could I be more pathetic?

Movies and Television -- New Vantage Point

Updated below

In the past few weeks, I've noticed something about my attitude toward things I had watched PRIOR to lil' Monkey's birth and how it has changed. I'm not talking about cursing or nudity or the usual things adults change their minds about once becoming parents. I'm referring more to the feelings certain movies or television shows evoke while watching them.

I can recall two instances where my emotions regarding something I've watched made me realize I have a whole new vantage point on the world as we know it. I know there was a third but I can't think of it now.

1) Lord of the Rings, Two Towers -- I was watching this movie this past weekend (TNT was rerunning the trilogy). And you know that scene where all of the women are sent to the bowels of Helm's Deep for safety? Well, two scenes from that particular part of the movie brought me to tears unlike before.

The first being the scene where the men are ripping the young boys from the mothers' arms to go to battle. This really struck home for me. I wouldn't want Monkey at the front lines of Helm's Deep facing Sauron's army! (Yes, I realize this is all fiction -- or is it? If our country institutes the draft again ... let's just say I'm thinking of starting Monkey on French lessons.)

The second being the scene where the blond woman is holding her little blond haired toddler who is crying heavily as they hear Sauron's army approaching. That, too, made me a little upset.

2) DWTS, this week -- They had two kid couples on the results show this week. Both danced better than some of the stars! But only one couple would continue on to appear week after week. The judges did a nice job of complementing them both but in the end, they had to choose a couple.

Before Monkey's birth I thought the concept of a trophy for everyone, even the losing team, was completely bogus, setting these kids up for a life of failure because they'd expect the world to honor them even if they aren't the best or work as hard. This competition between the two kid couples last night made me rethink it just for a bit. But in the end, I still agree with my original sentiment. Take the losing team out to dinner and recognize them for their efforts, but no trophies.

Has anything you've watched since becoming a parent made you stop and think about your feelings or viewpoint whereas you either thought nothing of it or thought differently before?

UPDATE (4/10/2008)

I just read this post by Gray Matter, and felt horrified for my child. What kind of world are we living in anyway? What is wrong with the parents of these deranged children?

DWTS -- week 4

Update below

I apologize for skipping last week's post about DWTS but I will say that even though he wasn't as great of a dancer as the remaining stars, I was sad to see Steve Guttenberg go because he seems like such a nice guy. Such a nice guy, that when DH was watching it with me he commented that something must have happened to him, either he had a scary accident or found religion or something because the guy is just super nice and most people aren't THAT nice naturally. Or maybe we're just cynical.

Moving on ...

This week's performances were really good. Since my memory is not the best, I jotted a few notes while watching this week so I could blog about them later. Here are some of the things I noted which might peak the interest of anyone watching or even not watching:

KRISTI -- Great dance, as always, but the band did a HORRIFIC job on New Order's Blue Monday. Poo Poo!

PRISCILLA -- Also danced wonderfully, the judges were out of their minds, she deserved better scores.

ADAM -- I'm not going to spoil this one for anyone who DVR-ed it and has yet to watch -- this means you, Dana :) -- HOWEVER, you've really got to see the shananigans he pulled this week.

MARLEE -- Very good, Judge Carrie Ann Inaba's reaction was surprising (again, won't spoil it).

MARIO -- Really liked the choice of music for his paso doble. It's so interesting when the dance couple chooses music that you wouldn't normally choose for a particular type of dance and it works well none the less.

JASON -- Was good, sexy, although I'm not sure the judges glowing marks were quite warranted. I thought Priscilla's dance was on par and either she should have received marks like his or vice versa.

CHRISTIANE -- Good paso doble. Cheryl's outfit was very dirty as usual. Sidenote: This is DH's favorite dance instructor, not sure if it's the outfits or the body or the hair or what but he's always very interested in what she's done for the week so I leave the shows on the DVR just for him. :P

SHANNON -- Some drama with her dance instructor (I won't spoil it). However, their dance was excellent and her dress was beautiful.

MARISSA -- Her dance was great but whoever did her makeup should be slapped. They made her look too harsh. It's the paso doble, not a horror fest people!

Last nights results show was pretty good. Most of the time I fast forward through everything to get to the results or guest professional dancers, but this time I found myself watching a good bit of it. They had these two kid couples (ages 8-9) each doing a dance and had the judges pick which one would come back for the rest of the season. They were so cute and VERY good! Although, I felt bad that one couple would lose. Such is life though, I suppose. (I will be posting a topic on this very soon.)

So if you watched, or watch later, feel free to post your comments about the dancing!

I just reread this and I apologize for my apparent boycott of apostrophes, especially for the possessive nouns!

"So friggin' cute!"

Sorry, I know the title of this post is a little risque for a parenting blog. But that's what you will hear a LOT around our house from DH and I when discussing our lil' Monkey and his doings. In fact, we should blame Monkey's paternal grandmother who first started using the phrase (and yes, we use "friggin'" not the actual curse word -- not that friggin' is any better).

So anyway ... here are some recent occurrances which evoked this phrase from our mouths:

DAPPER GENTLEMAN
DH gives Monkey most of his baths and I when I'd give him a bath, I'd brush his hair afterward (even when there was hardly anything to brush). Now that Monkey has some hair, you can DO something with it. Therefore, DH has decided that Monkey needs a part and when he is done combing his hair, we sort of parade him around the top floor of our house saying, "Look at the dapper gentleman! Such a dapper gentleman!" and he giggles and we have fun. So the other night I took a picture of the "dapper gentleman" look which you can find above.

AT the "MILK BAR"
Lately, Monkey has decided that drinking from the bottle is no longer a family affair but something he only wants to do on his own. This is great sometimes, not so great other times like when he wants to keep knocking it from the coffee table onto the living room carpet below thus spilling little drops of milk everywhere.To the right, there's a picture of him being Mr. Independent at his "milk bar", otherwise known was our coffee table. But isn't he cute in his overalls?!

CHOPPING BROCCOLI!
This picture isn't that recent. It's from about 3 weeks ago when Monkey tried broccoli for the first time. Although, it made a COMPLETE mess and I'm SOOO glad we were at home when trying this for the first time, he was just too cute all covered in green dots.

With respect to the fact that we will need to stop using this type of language in front of our child, this will probably be the last time I use this phrase ...

SO FRIGGIN' CUTE!

... well, maybe outloud in front him or other people :)

Something Worth Forwarding -- Charity Navigator

Updated below

I recently received an email message about felonspy.com which deceptively tries to make its visitors believe that they can find felons in their neighborhood by typing in their address. I researched this on snopes.com and of course, it's a bunch of malarky. Basically, if you perform another search, you'll get DIFFERENT results and if you go their FAQ section and read between the lines, you'll realize that the results are FAKE.

Since this email was forwarded only to me, I decided not to forward an SWF solely to the sender. I save SWFs for emails where multiple people are copied. And THIS is probably why the sender sent it only to me because the last time she did this, I sent an SWF to all of her recipients.

However, it did make me think that I haven't posted an SWF since the original. So here's a topic you can forward to those annoying people constantly sending you fear-mongering emails.

CHARITY NAVIGATOR

My primary client is a non-profit organization who helps local communities across the country in various ways. They help the homeless, abused children, veterans, ecetera and through them I found out about Charity Navigator.

It is a web site database containing information on most (not all) charities. If you search for a specific charity on their site and that particular charity has been a non-profit for more than 4 years, they will most likely have information on it. They will show you:

• statistics on how much money the charity makes yearly


• how the charity spends that money


• how the charity is managed overall


• how the charity ranks against similar charities

They even breakdown charities into top ten lists such as "10 Charities Routinely in the Red" or "10 Charities Stockpiling your money".

I routinely use this web site when thinking about donating to a charity. We like to donate each year to one or more causes and this site helps me make sure the money we donate is not only going towards a good cause but actually being USED for that cause as promised.

Recently, I searched for Smile Train which provides surgery for poor children around the world who were born with a cleft lip. Unfortunately, due to the lack of time this charity had been classified as a non-profit, Charity Navigator did not yet have information about them BUT did know that they existed and stated they would have statistics in future.

I encourage you to check out your favorite charity today! You can even search for charities by category if you want to donate to a cause but don't know which charity is appropriate or best.

BTW, make sure your SWF emails follow the rules!

Massage Therapy, Spa vs. THERAPY

As I've mentioned quite a few times on this blog, I've been experiencing some neck pain recently. I've been seeing a chiropractor and that was helping a little. However, when I woke up Monday morning more sore than I was after Friday's chiro visit, I decided something had to be done.

At Monday's chiro visit, I mentioned this reoccurring pain and the chiropractor asked about our pillows. DH and I HAVE been meaning to get new pillows. A couple weekends ago we went to Macy's for them but they didn't have any extra firm for a king sized bed. I told the chiropractor I'd get us new pillows that day. And I did -- although STILL not from Macy's since their inventory department must not count pillows. That or there has been a frenzied need for king-sized extra firm pillows that I've missed.

He also suggested that I see a Massage Therapist. I had seen the signs in the reception area advertising the masseuse they have in-house. Normally, I would have thought this a ploy to make more money but I like this chiropractor and he seemed genuine enough. Plus, the pain in my neck was screaming, "For the love of all that is holy, make an appointment!" So I did.

That appointment was today. I feel SOOOOOOOO much better.

Going into the appointment, I was a little nervous because all of the other massages I've had in the past were at a day spa. What would this one be like? Do I get naked for this one as well? It's an hour long ... is that WHOLE time spent on my neck?

Well, as it turns out, a theraputic massage is QUITE different from a spa massage (I don't care if they advertise it as 'theraputic', I now know they're LYING). The environment was quite the same however. Dimmed lights, soft music, blankets to cover areas not being worked on ... and naked La Folle Maman. We're talking NOTHING. Not even undies. I was a little nervous about that since I'm still breastfeeding and I kept picturing two huge milk spots when I got up but they didn't leak a bit. But back to the massage ...

The massage was intense and deliberate. The massage therapist definitely knew how to find my trouble spots and work them out. Something I can't say for even the masseuse I had at the Bellagio while vacationing in Vegas (it was good, yes, but not this good). And yes, you guessed it, being naked means I got a full body massage which was good because it turns out there were some other trouble spots not located in my neck. They were in my ass! No, just kidding. But close -- my lower back had some tense areas as well.

I had my usual chiro visit immediately following and let me tell you, after those two appointments, I felt like my body had been renewed! Driving to pick up Monkey from daycare, I even felt a little high almost (probably all of that oxygen-rich blood circulating through my muscles and brain).

My neck is starting to ache again a bit now which is to be expected after such an intense workout of the muscles but it's still feeling pretty great comparatively.

So if you are considering a massage for MASSAGE purposes, not just a "day at the spa" kind of experience, I highly recommend seeing a true THERAPIST. Plus, it was cheaper ($70 for an hour -- deep tissue at most spas runs $90 and up)!

Guilt and the Modern Family

I want to start out by saying that I might have been too harsh about the author of the book Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child, Mr. Burton L. White. I recently read some other parts of the book and one piece really touched on what I've been feeling. The subject was guilt. What he wrote really hit home for me and though he didn't spend too much time on the subject, what he did write helped.


He states, "No matter how modern a young couple may be, they cannot completely avoid a sense of guilt if during the first year or two of their baby's life they deviate from the earlier pattern". The "earlier pattern" being what I've heard before called the Nuclear Family where the father works and the mother takes care of the kids. I don't think he's trying to put down the concept of the modern family but rather suggesting that cultural norms from decades ago are engraved into our subconscious. He goes on to say that the weight of this guilt is held primarily by the mother and is "counterproductive".


"Guilt that one isn't doing enough for one's baby, that one isn't spending enough time with him, that as a result he may love one less -- these feelings tend to show up when the time comes to set limits and be firm with the baby." He continues a few lines down, "It is particularly heartbreaking when both parents are away from the baby for eight and one-half to nine hours a day, five days a week, and want so badly to have an especially good time with that baby when they are together."

Though I only work part-time, I've been having extreme guilt about it. Before we found a satisfactory daycare situation, I REALLY felt guilty because:

A) I had to work while he napped. Scheduling conference calls was virtually impossible and client "crisis" situations were even worse should he not be napping at the appropriate times or when needed. I'd get really stressed out and I know he sensed it. Sometimes I'd actually break down and cry because it seemed like the WHOLE world needed me to do something ASAP. I know this wasn't good for him and I feel majorly guilty about that.

B) Because I was trying to squeeze work in whenever and where ever I could, I didn't sleep very much and what sleep I got was definitely disturbed by the amount of stress built up in my brain over things not done or needing to be done. This made for a cranky, not very playful mommy which I felt guilty about constantly.

The work situation has been alleviated for the most part since finding our daycare solution. I still have to work a few hours a couple nights a week but my bedtime is earlier and my sleep is better (well, until I somehow pulled a neck muscle). Yet, the guilt lingers.

I definitely feel this conflict within myself when I need to reprimand Monkey for trying to do something that might hurt him, or when I need to be firm while changing his diaper, or when I'm trying to get a few extra bites of food in his mouth because the doctor said he lost weight at our last visit but he still refuses to eat!

Although there is no solution offered for the guilt, his statement that it is "counterproductive" makes sense. My guilt is getting in the way of my job which is to raise a healthy, happy little boy in a safe environment. If that means saying "No, that's an 'ouch'," in a stern voice, then that's what I need to do. Period.

Easier said than done but I think from now on when I feel bad about discipline, I'll remember that one word, counterproductive. That and keep researching for more solutions!